I remember when the realization hit. It wasn’t a specific day or hour, but a gradual understanding: having biological children would be a miracle. Tests came in one by one saying what we didn’t want to hear. Doing our own research, we understood what the tests really meant. We didn’t need a doctor to tell us, the results were clear enough.

Grief started immediately. Understanding that we would miss the moment of, “Oh, I think I’m pregnant!” The excitement of telling friends and family wasn’t going to come. There would not be a little person bearing our genes running around our home. Teaching my own little girl to love horses was now a faint whisper of a dream.

The anger started next. Every time I heard of a pregnant teenager I became enraged. I am doing EVERYTHING to get pregnant, how DARE God give these girls children and deny me. Every child abuse case filled me with hatred. You were blessed with this perfect person, and you choose to abuse that right!

Then came the passive-aggressive thoughts. Yes, I will admit to these. If I wasn’t going to have children I would look darn good not having children. I started running again, and watching my diet even more to drop those last few pounds.  I would have thoughts such as “go ahead ruin your child, it’s job security for me.” I would secretly laugh to myself when I found out someone was pregnant. Their body was going to change in all sorts of ways and mine would stay the same. (I never said any of these were rational).

The advice came as we told others. Maybe I need to write a “Top 10 things to NEVER say to Someone who can’t have Biological Children.” The advice just fueled more anger and hurt. Apparently those around us think we are unintelligent and are unable to do research on adoption, IVF, praying for children, or understand how the conception process works.

The acceptance came last. I tell people I am okay 98% of the time. Most of the time I am fine seeing other children. Most of the time I am content working my young business. Most of the time. Then there are the times when I long for a child running around the house. The times I am invited to a baby shower and cringe as I say “yes” knowing which aisles and stores I will be shopping in to find the perfect gift (hint: books stores are fantastic for this. I can buy books for the new baby AND buy myself a pity gift). Ninety-eight percent of the time I’m okay, the 2% I give to God, constantly. 

I know there are some out there who share this hurt. Let me help you through this journey. I would love to hear your story.

“God I want those of us who are longing for their children to find rest in you. Cover our wounds with a healing salve as we grieve and allow us to see you as a God of comfort. Father, you promise that you “settle the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children”. I ask you to grant those of us without children peace to wait on your time and help us to see those children we are meant to impact day by day. Amen.”