Almost since I found out I’m pregnant, a verse has been constantly before me, “We don’t know what to do; we’re looking to you.” The Message, 2 Chronicles. 20:12. Though this verse is originally talking about facing an enemy, I think the thought is relevant–realizing your resources aren’t enough and looking to God for the answers.

I have not been good at this. Through the last 10 years, God and I have been fighting a trust battle. He asks me to trust him through good times and all hell breaking loose, and I do my best to keep the illusion of control only turning fully to him when I can’t maintain the illusion any more. How is this working for me? Well, not very well.

I have been stressed to the point of breaking and have had streaks of white appear in my hair over night. A constant reminded that I need to trust and not stress. The times I have been at peace the most during that time are those times when I admit I can’t do it and give up the illusion. On two of those occasions, God brought Jeremy into my life, and we finally got pregnant.

Almost as soon as we got pregnant, I realized I no longer even have the illusion of control where this little boy is concerned. Yes, I can eat right and take the right vitamins, but at the end of the day, I have absolutely no control over whether or not he comes out happy, healthy, and whole. God is the only one. I’m also beginning to realize just how much of a joy and a terrifying experience it will be to have this piece of me walking around in the world apart from me. Again, I can do my best to protect him and bring him up in a relationship with God, but at the end of the day his safety and his life are in God’s hands–I have no control.

Ha! I thought I had trust issues before! God is quickly showing me I’m going to have to completely give up my trust in my illusion if I even want a shot at keeping the rest of my hair from turning white. This is where the verse comes in. Yes, Jeremy and I have learned through eight years of marriage how to work together, love each other, manage our finances, and stay close through his traveling, but all those situations took lots of prayer and looking to God for wisdom. This new adventure as parents, I’m quickly learning, will take that and more.

So I keep this verse before me and am trying to give up the illusion before it has even begun: “We don’t know what to do; we’re looking to you.”